I never liked lemons, I think they're too sour to be in anything besides fish. That's one of the reason why I hate that saying "When life gives you lemons, you put sugar". Oh okay, that's really not how the saying goes but you guys know what I am talking about.
Sour, that's how I describe how everything that's been happening in my life. Every aspect of it is just so damn sour that it's breaking me down slowly. I find myself reverting to my 2007-2008 self. If you guys know me personally, that is definitely not a good thing.
I've been in and out of debt, rejected and dumped, hell even one of my old friends who I accidentally bumped into told me I've lost nearly all my swag. My emotional state was never fragile like this. I used to be that jack ass who, despite being a jack ass, was loved and followed by people. I had authority, people listened to what I had to say.
Where did it go? Why is it gone? What happened to it?
A friend of mine once said that I kept them at arm's length. I never realized it but apparently I did. Was it working for me? Well it was, but unfortunately, I had the need to fix something that was never broken. I opened up to her. All my lies, my biggest insecurities, my deep dark secrets.
What did I get for it? absolutely nothing. It did not make me feel any better, it made me conscious about myself. My insecurities came out and apparently it's slowly killing me. I mean there is a reason why i kept it hidden and never to be seen again. All I can think of now is that damn insecurity and how do I get rid of it.
I kinda wish I never opened up, I knew that opening up wasn't really my thing. It was very out of character.
I've only been in one committed serious relationship. It started June 03' lasted through August 05'. A year and a half of a roller coaster ride. Why didn't it last longer? Well there were complications. Possible cheating, lot's of lying.
Here's how the possible cheating went. There was this guy from another state who visited and apparently she liked him. She never told me about it and I found through a common friend that she went to this guy's hotel twice. She said, they didn't do anything. Okay yeah sure.
Well after that incident, we dated for another 6 months. Don't get me wrong, I never forgave her but I kept my eyes closed. At that time, I wasn't sure why I kept my eyes closed. 6 months later, I figured out why... It was because I loved her and I was willing to make it work. So I spoke to her about it, I never really said I loved her but instead, I told her all the white lies I've told her. Petty little lies that doesn't really do any harm. A couple months later, she broke up with me. Her reason was "I can't trust you anymore"... Irony is a bitch
March 2009, I met this girl. I thought we kicked it off pretty well. We had chemistry, we had something....
Sounds pretty good right? Wrong...
This girl had a 10 year baggage... She said she was over it but at times, she showed signs that she wasn't. I waited it out, I stuck with her, cheering her up whenever she needed it. Hung out with her whenever she was in town. A year later, I ran out of patience, and asked her if we can be more than just friends.... Needless to say, I got rejected. The reason? "I'm not emotionally stable". I guess, during that 1 year course, I couldn't jump over that 10 story high wall.
Then there's the present... This one I haven't really figured out how I really feel about it. Or maybe I do but accepting how I really feel about it might not be the greatest idea. I mean I've tried twice, Giving up might be my only option this time. That and I should just, walk away.
Anyways yeah, that's apparently my first and hopefully the last rambling I'll ever do. That and I need my life to be back in order. There are things I need to do and things like these does not help.
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